I don't know what's going on, but you don't either

moving! for real this time

2009-09-21T04:29:56Z

If you like reading my gender entries then I invite you over to my new blog: cardprince. I've changed and grown a lot in the past few months and it's time for me to leave this persona behind...

Much love to everyone and maybe I'll see you over there :x

moving, sorta

2009-04-03T00:35:55Z

From now on I'll be posting all my gender/philosophy/sociobiology/whatever ramblings over here ~~>

http://blacksofa.blogspot.com/

As well as quotes and other things I like.

I might pop in and out of livejournal, I dunno, but I need a clean slate for my mind's sake :3

Peace ♥

EDIT: UM, JK. I wont be updating anywhere. Break from internets.

What is ‘a feminist’? // Gay Marriage

2009-03-18T15:22:19Z

I was having a short conversation with on another entry about Orlan with musouka_ningyou and I made the comment, ‘I don’t consider her feminist’ and then I thought-wait, what do I mean by this? What is Orlan not? What would make her ‘feminist’? Her actions, behaviors, philosophy? And who am I to decide who wants the title ‘feminist’ and what that title means? The only thing that ties ‘feminists’ together is the belief that the sexes should be equal politically, socially, and economically. Nothing less, nothing more. Making a statement like that is false…because it doesn’t matter what I think of her, it only matters what she thinks of herself [and as long as she believes in those three things].

In my own sense of twisted logic…you can be a feminist AND a misogynist, in the purest definitions of the words. Just because you hate women doesn’t necessarily mean you want to deny them rights. It seems natural for a misogynist to be anti-feminist, but I don’t believe that always has to be the case.

There are a lot of people I hate, organized groups even, but I would never fathom denying them anything. [Or let me put this another way, there are a lot of people I would LIKE to deny rights, but I know that’s a quick route to a dictatorship and that that’s not the best way to rule a free country]

Which brings me to gay marriage. A while ago I wanted to write about gay marriage on myspace, so I posted a bulletin asking everyone’s views. I asked the questions, ‘Do you think Gay Marriage should be legal? Do you think being gay is immoral? Does this affect your answer?’ [That’s not the exact wording, I’ve forgotten it, but it was close enough]. And most, if not all, of the responders said ‘yes’. That their opinions on homosexuality affected their political decision. But I don’t think it should at all! There are a lot of things I don’t “morally” agree with, but I would NEVER even imagine withholding rights. Which also asks the question, is marriage a privilege or a right? Since it’s CLEARLY not a right, why are we, the American people, politically creating a privileged class? It’s so illogical and completely not what America stands for. [Oh hell, I don’t even know what Americans are anymore, but I was under the impression we were a free people and a land of opportunity….BUT ONLY FOR SOME I GUESS] Religions can have their marriage, that’s fine. If a church wants to deny homosexuals the right to be married, then okay. I can hardly say anything against it because I’m not in that religion. But then why is the government involved at all? Whatever happened to a separation of church and state? And furthermore why are non-religious people being denied rights that religious people are gaining through marriage? I will never get married, because the institution/history/tradition is whacked to me, but I would like to get a civil union-except then I won’t get the same rights that someone who is married has. In essence this really isn’t discriminating against homosexuals, it’s discriminating against all of us who are non-religious or don’t believe in marriage. Are we then creating a privileged class for the religious? :o!! Fuck yeah, America…

Here’s some other miscellaneous things I’ve been milling over…

Racist Observations
I was watching “Beauty Shop” with Queen Latifah about a month ago and I was observing the differences in race relations you see in black films compared to white films. For one thing, it seems that racism is more obviously* acceptable in black films. For example when talking about the new white cosmetologist a black girl says to Latifah, ‘oh hell no, you’re not trying to brighten up the place, you’re trying to whiten up the place.’ Can you imagine a white girl saying in a movie, ‘oh hell no, you’re not trying to darken up the place you’re trying to blacken up the place’ and for that to be completely acceptable in that film? Most people would scream, ‘racist!’ and write blogs about how offended they were.

Of course it IS different, because blacks in this country are a minority and have a history of oppression, but isn’t that still a form of privilege? To receive social equality between sexes and races, don’t we need no forms of privileges on any side? As far as gender goes, I can hardly expect males to give up their privileges while I hold on to mine, does the same apply to race?

I also noticed that Queen Latifah is heavier, playing a lead role, and ends up with a really hot dude. This would NEVER happen in a mainstream ‘white movie’ [and if it has, send me the IMDB link!]. They also made frequent jokes about white girls who were obsessed with being thin, or getting boob jobs. I wonder if this is a stereotype in the black community about white girls?

And why are there no Asians on television? Or singing or acting? I don’t get this, I feel like Asians [and Native Americans] are invisible in this country when people emphasize black/white relations. I literally cannot think of a single asian actor, aside for Tila Tequila if you could call her that. Now I don’t watch a lot of T.V. so that might be why, but still, wtf? Is it cultural or are they just not being cast?

*To clarify this…black people will get cast in racist/stereotypical roles in white films, but there usually aren’t racist remarks throughout the film.

Anyway, I hope some of this made a blurb of sense, and comments and insight are always appreciated!

omg. lets get some shoes

2009-03-17T04:42:07Z

Normally I don't like small posts but this was too funny not to post...

"WALKING THE STREETS OF YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD" IN 4.5 INCH PLATFORMS FOR WHAT EXACTLY?

You know, just curious.

Besides the silly descriptions, I love Steve Madden. Steve Madden is probably a gay man, but I would like to make love with him. Afterwards we can gossip and put glitter and rhinestones on our toenails.

Those shoes totally give me a girlboner.

Well damn, since I'm already writing here's some more items I've been drooling over

This is beautiful. I bought this. It has yet to arrive. [Don't ask me the cost lol]

I am very worried that it's going to end up like this;

That might be the grossest purple ever. Only time will tell.

I've been really wanting a hobo bag because I like looking slouchy. So if that doesn't work out I am probably going to buy this one...

...from Urban Outfitters

OH GOD.

Speaking of Urban Outfitters, I'm not really into the whole indie/grandma's closest look on myself [however some people pull it off awesomely] but Urban has got the raddest [yeah I said raddest] home decor stuffs EVAR.

Heart mixing bowls!

Silly lights!

Books about poo! LOL LOL LOL

Okay I'm done....but they have a lot of cool things.

I also must have these shoes [not from Urban]

I am really starting to like purple. I am thinking my Meta Swan Lake skirt had something to do with that. I haven't worn it publicly but I wear it in my room a lot. Totally not loser-ish at ALL. I'll wear it out soon, dammit.

Well, livejournal, there is one last thing I have to tell you. I am going on a slut-diet. What is this you ask? It's a diet that girls go on so they can dress like sluts. Yep. I'm going to a huge rave in the end of May [etd.POP, google it] and I decided I need to be skankeriffic. I'm actually not 'dieting' per se, but I am counting calories and trying to work out more and all that good stuff. I like counting calories, it structures my life. I think I need math in my life at all times to make me sane. I love math.

Uhhh...anyway, I am hoping to reach 130 by the end of April. Earlier would be awesome but I think that's a pretty good goal. 125 would be awesome by the time of the rave [May 23rd]. Currently I am 140. It would also be nice to lose a few inches on these boobs, they are kind of ruling my life.

Anyhoo, I'm sure my next entry will contain some vanity or feminist ramblings like usual...until then, toodles ♥

the future! dun dun dun!

2009-03-10T03:05:27Z

Today I went to go check out the place I'll be living at if I get accepted into Davis and not Berkeley. It's awesome!! Okay right now it's kind of a shit hole, but it's GOING TO BE awesome :] I already have plans for it...we're going to repaint the entire thing and fix it up hella. It's a house, so we can pretty much do whatever we want with it. I met the other two girls I'll be living with too [there's 4 or maybe 5 of us total] and they're cool enough. Except the place is technically owned by the crew team so we're 'required' to throw parties. Not exactly my cup of tea but I'll live. All the crew kids I've met are cool enough, but I highly doubt they'd be interested in sitting around analyzing gender, you know?? I'm not really into keggers and the like... Parties like that can be fun everyone once and a while but overall...not my scene :P

Still, it's cool that all of my roommates will be involved in some sort of social scene, I'm a bit of a hermit and it can be hard for me to make friends so that will be nice. I'm mainly just super lazy :[ Sometimes conversing with people can be exhausting [I'm definitely an introvert], and I need a lot of down time. Still, I want to work on my relationship skills with others because I kinda suck at the moment. Durrr, I just need to get out more. Bleh. I'm feeling fairly optimistic about this though. I'm looking forward to meeting like-minded people in my classes and such, so at least I will have that outlet. Ew I just read that, I really do sound like a hermit. ;_;

Also...I might be selling some lolita things. Lolita for me isn't an everyday thing, and I think I'll only continue to dress it for some sort of event or when I can go all out. And mainly, these clothes just make me feel like a fatass ;P

So...they're under the cut, let me know if you're somewhat interested and if I decide to sell them you'll be the first~

Anna House
Size Large
$40
*I'm selling this one for sure! I've never worn it and it's not my style, complete impulse buy!

Metamorphose LP Skirt
Waist - Can fit a 28", but I wouldn't recommend it! Probably better suited for 26-27"
$40

In The Starlight
Waist - 28"
Not sure on price, I forgot how much I paid.

Angelic Pretty
Bust - I say comfortably a 37" [I'm a 39"-all boob, and it fits, but not well]
Waist - Um, if your boobs are a 37" you should be fine, not sure, I'm a 28/29" and it fits me fine
$110
*I really like this dress a LOT but it doesn't fit that well in the boobs and just doesn't make me feel good so I think I'll definitely be selling it :\

Black and white obsession much?? Lulz. Well yes....let me know if any of you are interested and I'll let you know if I decide to sell!

bathroom_ninja @ 2009-02-16T01:46:00

2009-02-16T10:19:15Z

I just had an awesome night... I went to Asylum with some of my friends and met a bunch of people while I was there. I randomly met alicelost13 [WHO IS TOTALLY ADORABLE!], a guy from godsgirls.com I've been talking to [that's porn kids...>_>;] and another guy. Oh and a gorgeous drag queen. I glued stars on my face [again!] and here's a picture before I start getting into the whiney stuff... XD

It sounds sort of depressing but I feel like just now I am learning that I actually have something to offer others.

Before in my life I never bothered extending myself to people because I didn't think I was all that great. I mean what have I done, really? Not much. It takes a certain amount of self-confidence to make friends, and I was forever lacking that. Now however, the fact that people like me is enough. I am still not comfortable extending myself to people, but I'm working on it. And partly The Myth of Male Power helped me, at least in the relationship aspect.

I never realized that initiating something takes guts. After all, there's a pretty good chance you'll be rejected. I was such a cunt about this in high school. I thought if a guy did not come to me directly then he wasn't worth my time. I lacked the empathy to put myself in the man's shoes, the shoes that can possibly face rejection. The book helped with this in the sense that it explained that socially, the man is expected to initiate. The woman however, can do it if she wants. But it's not expected. So now, what kind of gender egalitarian would I be if I didn't initiate?? [I have initiated a few times, but those dudes turned into stalkers, so don't blame me if I'm a little pessimistic about it, hah!]

I'm workin' on it. I need some balls. Or just guts...

This is a slow moving process but every day gets a little bit better.

In other news...I really miss Steven. I had to say it. We haven't been talking, and it WAS fine, but for some reason the past few days have been rough. I miss his smile, his smell, his cocky-ass attitude. Everything. He is such an egotistical little shit but damn I really really liked him. What makes this hard is the fact that I DO like him. We broke up for practical reasons [lack of a concrete future on my part], but I never stopped liking him.

Our one year would have been next week. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this way for some reason. I talked to him almost every day for about two years. But I'm not dumb, I know it would never work out long term, so it was foolish to keep going. *LE SIGH*

Maybe we will be able to be friends in a year. But I don't expect it any time before then. I don't understand how break ups work. *I* want to keep in touch, but I don't know if I should.

This whole thing makes me not want to date people I actually like. Blegh!

Nighttime for me...good night livejournal XD

The Myth of Female Power : Sexuality

2009-02-09T05:57:05Z

“Man fucks woman, subject verb object” – Catharine McKinnon

A few weekends ago I went to a very interesting birthday party. It was the joint 21st birthday party of three acquaintances. The theme was 'XXX', in other words you better dress sexy. The hostesses 'gift' was a female stripper. From her mother no less, [not that her mother was there but she did pay for her]. (I'm not sure if that's absolutely absurd or completely awesome?) I was having multiple thoughts watching this girl dance. It is bizarre that people literally pay $200 to watch a girl take her clothes off and writhe around. And not just MEN, there were plenty of women at this party, and it was the girl’s gift. And I wonder, am I supposed to like this? Do I NOT like it? How do the other women here feel? Is this oppression or is this celebration?

Was I uncomfortable? Should I be uncomfortable? [I wasn't, because I was drunk, but bare with me here] Isn't it in the littlest bit absurd that women were essentially forced to watch another woman take her clothes off, for mainly the male benefit? I wonder again, am I uncomfortable with this? If I'm not, WHY am I not?

Earlier my group was discussing 'what if it was a male stripper?'. A male friend said, 'I don't want to see another guy's junk waving around, and I don't think women do either'. I wondered if this is a product of our male-created society or if men really are that repulsive [since apparently no one cares to see them naked]. Women were commonly referred to as 'the sex' (“scientifically proven” to be ruled by their uterus – 19th Century and before) therefore trapping them into the sexuality of their gender. And males have always dominated our species. Their wants, their needs, their desires have flooded every area of life, from then up until now. Perhaps this naked dancing woman is just a product of that? The trickle down effect of socialization perhaps?

And then I wondered if it bothered me.

I have always supported women’s expression of their sexuality. I think every woman should be comfortable enough in their bodies to do whatever they please. Dress how they please, and have sex however, and whenever, they want. (Men too of course. But this aint about the gentlemen.) A part of me believes that the stripper exemplifies a woman expressing her sexuality. She is obviously the one in control, and she appears to be the one with the power in the situation. The other part of me knows that she is not doing this for fun. She is doing this because there’s a check at the end. I am sure the majority of the males were at least a little bit turned on, and I’m sure some of them felt ‘powerless’ because she was exemplifying something they feel they have to work for. And the women? I don’t know about the women. I don’t know how they felt, I still can’t identify how I felt about it. I always really liked strippers because of what I mentioned above, I felt they were powerful, strong, and in control of their sexuality.

But now, I don’t know.

Is it still empowerment if at the end of the day you’re the one being consumed?

Weeks later, I still can't figure this out for myself. And now I'm questioning my sexuality a lot. I don't know if what I like is really what *I* like, or if it's simply the by-product of an androcentric society. Bollocks!

bathroom_ninja @ 2009-01-16T11:19:00

2009-01-16T19:32:41Z

My job sucks. I'm applying for a census job but my testing date isn't for a month! Dammmmit. The pay starts out really well and I think it would be a lot of fun but I won't know for a month :\ I really want and need a new job. I feel that I am a lot better than that place. But not a lot of places are hiring and I don't feel like searching right now when I already have a somewhat steady job and I'm about to start school. [Edit: In OTHER WORDS. I am afraid and I am rationalizing. Lol.]

School is my main priority but money sure is nice!

I went to my first bar last night. It was interesting. It's weird knowing people are checking you out. Not really in a 'is she hot?' way, but more like a , 'who is that walking into the bar? LET'S LOOK AT THEM'.

And this might sound kind of whiney but I really can't figure out how attractive I am. Omfg my self-esteem sucks. I think I'm attractive but I don't KNOW I'm attractive. If that makes sense.

Anyway, my friend was mentioning 'openers' and I laughed because that's straight out of The Game. And then we lamented because there is no such thing as The Game for women. If there was such a thing as 'game' for women, I am very sure I do not have it.

It all boils down to fear for me, I am very fearful of um, everything.

I don't know how I got this way, but daaaamn it's annoying. I need to force myself to do things I am afraid of. But then I doubt that I can do it in the first place. It's a vicious cycle. Fucking a. I am making a big deal out of nothing. ajdnflkjdnfkjandgjkngjkn!

I'm going out the next three nights, maybe I won't act like a dumbass? And then school starts so I can actually put my mind onto something useful.

Oh nuts! I need a self esteem boost but that can only come from within but my within is saying 'fuck you' right now.

ugh.

2009-01-12T03:57:32Z

I just found out that during the two weeks my ex and I broke up he hit on another one of my friends, who has had a boyfriend for um, years.

Really dude? I knew he was desperate and easy but that takes the cake.

It's kind of a sad reminder to myself to not explicitly trust anyone. During those two weeks there was a lot that he said...and his actions spoke the exact opposite. It's not a big deal, I just feel a little used. Except then I wonder why I even bother feeling that way considering I got into that relationship knowing it was going to end and that I was going to be the one to end it. Um yep. Never again lol. Being alpha is not for me.

It was a great learning experience however! No more 'settling' for me that's for sure.

I was a little pissed earlier, but now I don't care. I kind of want to say something to him, just so he can see how amazingly wrong his actions were, but then I don't really want to see him [at all. ever.] so I don't know. Plus it's not my job to tell him he's an idiot.

I wanted to be friends, but I don't need shady, desperate, immature friends.

Ya know?

The story isn't quite as simple as I described it, but UGGGGH. IDIOT.

Okaaay, time to go dancing :D

omgzz

2009-01-05T19:44:52Z

I am in the english Gothic and Lolita Bible 4!!! That is so freaking cool!

Steven called me at work to tell me, I guess a friend of his saw it. I left work an hour early to go buy it ;_;

SUP.

Ah fuck that is so cool, stuff like that rarely happens to me XD Like, never more like it! One day I'll have more than 2 inches :P Maybe even 5.

That was a really good start to my year. Even though I didn't really do anything to deserve it, that is still so cool. My arm looks le fat though. Omgwtfbbq.

It looks like I'm going to be going to UC Davis [in the fall], which is cool, I have a friend there already I might be moving in with. I'm pretty angsty to start living my life... I'll know in late-March where I got into. Berkeley is kind of like my dream, but I don't think I'll get in. Nor do I think I am really self-actualized enough for that YET. One day.

So, my schedule for this semester is;

Monday
9:00-10:20 POLS 301
10:30-11:50 PSYC 361
12:15-5:10 FASHN 353

Tuesday
9:00-10:20 HIST 330
-break-
[trying to add a core-conditioning class from 12:00-1:20]
1:30-2:50 FITNS 380

Wednesday
9:00-10:20 POLS 301
10:30-11:50 PSYC 361

Thursday
9:00-10:20 HIST 330
-break-
[trying to add a core-conditioning class from 12:00-1:20]
1:30-2:50 FITNS 380

So I have 9 core units, 3 fashion units/non UC, and maybe 2 UC workout type units.

14 units! Not bad. I'm also changing my availability as far as work goes;

Sunday ANY-8PM
Monday xx
Tuesday xx
Wednesday 1-8
Thursday xx
Friday ANY
Saturday ANY-7PM

I don't want to do cash handling that often any more. I'm not getting anything for it and my job sucks :D However, I am too lazy to go somewhere else and I only want 16 hours a week anyway so I should be fine.

I need to get better at sewing and start working out again [I gained some weight ;_;] and draw again and focus on my life again NOT my stupid, bad job!

Also, I decided I want 4K in the bank for when I transfer so I don't have to work my first semester. I made myself a little chart and everything :D Yay for having goals.

Anyway, I am looking forward to this year and taking better care of myself...w00t

bathroom_ninja @ 2008-12-30T12:17:00

2008-12-30T20:30:09Z

My birthday was Sunday, it was really fun. I went goth clubbing with some of my friends :D

It was a really good night too! No shitty music! Haaarr

This is an accurate depiction of my appearance the entire night...

Confused and drunk. Yep.

I was going to wear my Meta Swan Lake skirt but I decided against it because I knew I was going to get drunk and possibly ruin in. Which was a good choice because I did somehow get a hole in my tights...

Tomorrow night for NYE is going to hopefully be relaxing. I think I'm just going to hang out with a few friends and play video games. That sounds perfect right now [and I italicized it so you know I'm srs]. I was planning on going out but I'm feeling a bit sick and partied out at the moment. And my Mario Party awaits!

I got a bunch of books for Christmas n_n

Feminist Thought - Rosemarie Tung
Boundaries of Her Body - Debran Rowland*
The Myth of Male Power - Warren Farrell**
The Red Queen - Matt Ridley***

*This is not a 'BOOK', it's like a freaking textbook! But I'm really excited to start it

**Having a love hate relationship with this one already. Bloggings coming soon no doubt haaahaaa

***Just started this, I'm thinking I ought to read The Selfish Gene first but Ridley is easier for me to understand than Dawkins so we'll see!

Whooo I have a ton of reading to do!

Happy early new year :]

New Years Resolutions [kinda nsfw?]

2008-12-26T05:43:05Z

Another year another livejournal entry OMG I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFE!! Right?

Except this year, I really am. :D

I want to change my habits and my attitudes toward my life.

This year there have been times where I have completely focused on myself, and there have been other times [during the end mainly] where I have focused on other people too much, and not disappointing them, not hurting them, etc.

I was happier when I was a little more selfish!

I also have let my work burn me into the ground. I can't keep this up. It's making me bitter and I really don't need the money, I just want it so I can buy foolish material items that I'll wear once or twice.

So! Resolutions!
1. Put self first
This means I'll be spending more time reading, going on adventures [alone :D], not worrying, working out, and indulging myself in the places where I want to be indulged.

So, I am going to not work as much, and I am only going to work the hours I want to work. Fuck money. I'm young and I don't want to be captivated by retail. Working for me is a sick drug. I will work 3 days a week-MAX. I am not going to work during the week.

I am going to take belly-dancing classes! I have wanted to do this forever!! I have just been too afraid to take them alone, see I'm always waiting for someone else to do something for me or with me out of fear, and that's some damn bullshit and enough of that. I need to be alone and do things alone and be okay with myself alone and in every situation.

I'd like to read a book or two a month. I got books for christmas :D

I'm also going to try to distance myself from my ex. He is stuck in the mud. He complains a lot yet acts like a child. I've made this break really messy by sleeping with him a few too many times [*cough cough*] but I'm really done.

I am also irritated with myself as to how I handled that situation, but I'm past it now. If he refuses to grow I can hardly make him. The only thing I can do is not continue to stick around. Which means I might be a little lonely for a while, but that's cool, I need to be alone and learn how to deal with people and myself without a fallback.

I feel like last year was one great huge learning experience with a lot of firsts and mistakes and foolery! But dammit it was fun.

It's sort of weird knowing that I won't be having sex for like, a year. Fuck.

Lol TMI.

Anyway.
Workout, read, be selfish, be adventurous, take risks. Cut down on work hours.

Those are the areas I would like to work on. And possibly spending less time on the internet. It kills me. I think I'm going to start keeping track how much time I spend online. <~~ addicted. I has problem.

Fuck my bills are big this month. lajknskjndf!

happy new year happy holidays praise jesus ♥

Rori's!!!

2008-12-19T21:15:40Z

I changed the meet-up time so please check the post out... Sorry for the late notice I've been working a lot and haven't been able to get online XD I changed it to 1, I seriously hope the rink is open. I'll probably check it out again today and call tomorrow morning >_>;

I REALLY want to go ice skating.

Equation is a really funny word.

Right anyhoo. I'm wearing the same thing I wore for Halloween, I haven't gotten any new clothes since then. Well except for the meta swan lake skirt, but I'm saving that for my birthday :D

I'm 21 in almost a week. Fuck yesssssss. I'm not doing anything specific for my bday, except goth club and lots of random drinking, but I am looking forward to it. Like, a lot. Not so much for the drinking aspect, but because clubs will be cheaper and I'll be able to go to a lot more places. Like Faces :D

I want to look extra awesome on my bday, I need to figure out another way to style my hair or something, I suck with that stuff.

Anyway, yes please check out the post!! I don't want anyone getting there at 12 and being alone x_x;

So we're like, done again, I swear.

2008-12-13T08:46:11Z

I think I failed to mention this, but my ex and I got back together [more than just sex basically >_>;]. We were 'dating' but not 'in a relationship'. Now, however, we are _done_

It kinda seems like breakup central around here, is it the weather? [Seems like a lot of breakups on my FL lately...]

Anyway, I am completely okay. I will always miss the times we had but he is not right for me. Our relationship was kind of silly, there was no glue to it. Our first fight happened and then that was that. One of the main reasons I got back with him was to try and work things out, but then I realized some things you just can't work out. You can't change anyone after all, and that's really what I was trying to do... He's awfully stubborn. I do think that some change should happen in relationships, I think that's healthy, but he wouldn't even budge.

I could probably spend a few pages badmouthing him but that's it, I'm done. The last two months have been like a massive headache. Essentially I was pretending, and I cannot do that anymore.

I also went to an indie movie tonight that my friend was in. Production wise, it was pretty damn horrible. But the story and some of the scenes were hilarious. If they fixed the sound and quality it would have been pretty good!

Eh anyway, I was just thinking about all the people there, the actors, and about how none of them were that particularly amazing, but how they were still doing what they loved and obviously had fun doing it. I'm jealous of that. Even with my ex, he's a dancer, and he really isn't that good. I would never say it to his face but I highly doubt he could ever make a living at it as far as performance goes. He just isn't that well rounded. He would be fine with teaching lessons, but I couldn't see him behind Beyonce or anything [lol]. But it doesn't matter, because he is doing what he loves. And this makes me bummed for two reasons.

1. My future, what I want to do with my life, I am not going to love it. It is going to depress me and take a toll on me and it's going to be a constant battle to stay afloat. At the same time I will not feel fulfilled in life if I don't do something.

2. There is nothing that I love to do. Everything I used to love I stopped due to lack of skill or praise or a combination of the two. For some reason I have psyched myself into believing that you must be good at things to do them-just loving it is not enough.

This is really depressing, I wish I had a different set of problems like talking too loud or smoking. Those would be relatively easy to change. But with me it's almost like I need to rework my personality... When I was in the car with my friend KD [friend in the movie], and her friend Ben was driving, it was sort of odd. We saw a dog and decided to follow it and then we drove around to find the massage parlor/prostitution fronts. There was no real concept of time, or an endpoint [we were going out to eat, eventually]. With me I have a set plan- get to Mall, go to so-and-so, and then I must do it and I cannot relax until I do and I won't stop along the way. But we just sort of drove around.

Even with life, I am doing this right now with college. And I majorly did this in high-school, I didn't bother to make friends because it wasn't about the journey, it was about the end result, finishing school and getting the hell out of there. Right now at school I would not have the friends that I have if they hadn't have extended themselves to me, because my goal is 'get out of junior college' and that's all that's in my head.

Which means one day I'll end up old and lonely and wondering where the hell my life went! And I don't want to be like that, so it's about time I started pouring myself into the journey, and the end result will come when it comes.

I'm going to start setting small goals and thrusting myself into awkward situations. I feel like I'm at a standstill and I am really not happy with myself.

*le sigh* I really don't want to be like this :\

Attn rori-friends: Meet-up. Must go. [RSVP]. Nao.

Mild clarification....

2008-12-06T20:27:30Z

I feel like clarifying my last post. I didn't bother explaining things fully because I didn't think anyone on my FL would read it or have any interest in sociobiology.

Instead of just randomly talking about big boobs... I should had said that sociobiologists are trying to figure out why men like big breasts. Most everything in sociobiology is related to sex, the passing of the genes, etc. Reproduction!!! [yey?] Sociobiology attempts to explain human behavior through strict biology. I guess you could say it relates us to animals or something of the sort.

So yeah, they're trying to find a scientific reason as to why men are attracted to big breasts, and their theory is that you can tell a woman's age by her breasts. And if a woman is younger, she is more fertile, and therefore the man would be more attracted because she can yield better offspring...

I hope that makes more sense :o

Anyway, it was just posted in feminist_lit too! ~~> http://community.livejournal.com/feminist_lit/189527.html

I wonder how many women are in the field of sociobiology? I like it...I find it really interesting. If at times somewhat silly XD It's really humorous to read sociobiology books and notice how much is left out. If you're searching for true knowledge, why would you omit important facts? [This also happened in Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters when they were discussing Margaret Mead's research.]

Ugh, I could write about this forever.

Anyway, clarification post over! :]

So am I like, a bitch?

2008-12-04T21:40:12Z

Lately I've been trying to read positions that are the opposite of my own to better argue against them, or to educate myself, whichever. So I have been looking up sociobiology books and masculist papers...whatever I can find really. I bought the book Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters specifically to disagree with it. 15 bucks just to have some fun disagreeing :D It's opened me up to a lot of theories [like the Savannah Theory] but there has been plenty of illogical leaps I've found.

Probably the most ridiculous is how the 'gay gene' is spread. 'They posit that the so-called gay genes may incline their carriers, male or female, toward the same behavior: the desire to have sex with men.' They further go on to describe the 'horny sister hypothesis' by saying that female relatives of homosexual men have more children than female relatives of heterosexual men. You fucking kidding me? That is such a leap, I'm embarrassed to read it honestly. 'Birth control' seems to blare at me. Now if they had said maybe female relatives of homosexual men use less BC, I'd still think it was a load of crap-but maybe not quite as smelly.

No mention of female homosexuality of course, because women are inherently immoral. Duh.

The second one that bothers me is the section on big breasts. They propose that you can tell a woman's age by looking at her breasts, and younger breasts are more perky, but the bigger they are the easier to tell the perkiness [/age of female], or lack thereof. Wat. I have DD's okay? There is nothing I can do, nothing, to be able to pass the pencil test. It just isn't going to happen. And yeah they're going to sag more as I age, but there are several other factors that would give away age quicker than that, such as my hair color [which they go into as well] and skin discoloring/wrinkling. I prefer my brothers theory, which is that breasts are distinctly female. I suppose to a caveman big boobs = more female = more bebbies. Either way, I'm like a sociobiologists jack-off material.

Something else I have been thinking about since I started reading masculist papers…when my unboyfriend and I ‘broke up’ he said something along the lines of, ‘you made me feel dumb for being a man and like I couldn’t do anything right.’ WUT. I wonder if I really come across this way to people? This has never been my intention, and rather I probably felt he was dumb or whatnot simply because he lacks certain qualities I admire, but it has nothing to do with him being male. [Especially considering the only people I have found with these qualities have been male.] I’m really trying to become less female centric, or feminist centric whichever. Women and men do truly live in two completely different worlds and I am trying to see how a male would react to my behavior.

It seems to me that males and females are both equally enslaved, but woman’s enslavement comes from her body, and mans from his mind. But even after this, I still think that women take the brute of it. Would you rather be raped and beaten because you are a woman, or told not to cry and accept emotion as a man? Men may have extremely warped ideas of masculinity, but at the very least they can walk and be freely. All of this I mainly speak toward other countries, not so much in the U.S., although it is still true to a lesser extent.

I THINK I’m trying to say that a male internalizes warped views of masculinity and acts as such, but a woman will always be a woman, in danger just because of her physical form.

Both are pretty fucked up.

Meh, looks like I have some more readings to do!

Completely unrelated to the rest of the entry [which I doubt most people will be interested in anyway], isn't this damn cute??

It kinda looks unlike me, but I tried it on and it was really cute :x I'm buying it as soon as I can pay off the rest of my crap! I got this jacket though - http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y62/bathroom_ninja/42091936-03.jpg

I really like it too XD Forever 21 is my lovechild....

bathroom_ninja @ 2008-11-05T23:19:00

2008-11-06T07:24:27Z

I am having massive gender-identity issues right now and I am failing at life [and school].

Well, nothing's new I guess :D

I can't wait for the weekend, I have it off completely! YESSSS. I need rest, relaxation, and reading time super bad.

And regardless of how you feel about the election, you cannot deny that this is awesome;

Lol Hillary's my fave. And Biden kinda looks like my dad. Weird.

Halloween!

2008-11-02T06:01:44Z

This is the first Saturday I have spent at home in a VERY long time. It's wonderful and somewhat lonely all at once. Have I become a person that needs a lot of human interaction? Well, I was at work all day, I guess I got plenty :D Nonetheless, I'm feeling quite lonely. :[ I miss my ex. I miss who he was with me, he's been a dick lately. And yeah... I don't think I'm going to be sleeping with him anymore... It's not good for me. I'll put his needs above mine [not sexually...well, that too...>_>;] and it isn't good for me. I'm somewhat treating it as if we were together, even though we are not. I don't want to be around when he moves on. That is going to suck hardcore. I always used to think exes who didn't remain friends were selfish. I would say, if you really love someone, shouldn't you want to be around them and want what's best for them always? But now I see that that only leads to your own unhappiness. I almost want him to find another girl tomorrow and flaunt her so I can cry about it and then get over it. Rip that bandaid off right? I'm so green with relationships. I feel like I'm 12.

Beeeeh, whatever :] So the past week I've been in Lolita a lot, and it felt very nice. I like the structure that Lolita allows, and the attention. It's funny, people look, but rarely say anything, and it's always a quizzical look, like they're trying to figure it out. It's obviously a style most people haven't seen :D OH, Lolita gets me things too... I bought my boss lunch on Halloween and the guy gave me twice as much food....bwahahaha! He was pretty gothed out himself so I bet he thought we had a ~*~connection~*~ :3

Anyway, pictures from the past week;

I r preggers.

This is what I wore to work Friday!

Omg, I look so sour. I promise I'm a happy person :d

Me in the back room...

And on Thursday to school;

Oh, and my Halloween was pretty rad. I hung out with my friend from Davis and her roomie. We went to a party, then a mini dance party, then back to the party. And then I left to go see my ex in Downtown...So I call him when I get to the house he's at [I was going to take him home-DD] and he doesn't answer... So I wandered around until I saw a girl I'd met once with him. She told me to go inside with her and I find him worshipping the porcelain god hardcore style. He's already kinda pale [redhead] but he was stark white when I saw him. His friend wouldn't let anyone in the bathroom so I just sat outside and chatted with people I didn't know. The one girl I knew stayed with me though, I don't know if she did it on purpose but I really appreciated it. So some girl had to pee so then he went outside and I followed him out to keep an eye on him.

It was kind of a nice role reversal. Normally I'm the one getting sloshed and throwing up and he is taking care of me, but this time he was the one feeling like shit and me taking care of him. Except this time it started raining... So, I sat outside in the rain forcing my ex-boyfriend to puke at 2 AM! Not exactly the way I wanted to spend my evening, but okay nonetheless. :D

It was an odd night, but not one I'll likely ever forget!

One picture from Halloween night...

That's the friend I went to see :]

I dressed as the same thing [Zombie] last year lol :D I was going to do a japanese street fashion look, but it involved my AP socks, and I didn't want to risk someone puking on them or snagging them so I decided to do Zombie again!

And what did everyone else do hmmm? :]

1/3 Lolita week!

2008-10-28T02:52:40Z

This week is hereby Lolita week!

Sunday I went goth clubbing, it was way fun. They made the place look really good and there were a lot of really cool costumes! I also met a girl who wants to come to meet-ups :] I love wearing Lolita because I usually find another one. I want to have a frilly take over at that club so bad...

I guess the Halloween meet up isn't going to happen? I'm going to plan a meetup for November for sure...it's been too long :\ I would have people at my house but I live kinda far out... I have a damn nice backyard though! [For pictures :D]

Righto~!

Pictures;

Outfit shot :]

And an extra for you pervs...

I'm going to dress up Thursday for school [cupanoodle you should join me!], and then Friday for work :] 3 times in lolita this week! It's going to rule!

I'm not quite sure what's going on with my ex and I. We're kinda...broken up, but not... I'm not sure if anyone read my last entry before I deleted it *cough, cough* but HMMM. It's awkward. I don't think I can do this anymore though.

I don't know what's going on....but I guess I never do :\

last sad blog

2008-10-13T08:59:49Z

this blog isn't even sad. I just need to vent.

We broke up 2 days ago.

It was mutual I suppose. It was odd. I've been okay. I'll have little 'I think I'm going to cry' moments and then I just bite my tongue and force myself to think about something else. I did most of my crying the week before when I was torn up about it, but now I'm enjoying my clear head.

I felt so much pressure from the relationship. It's not that I didn't want to see him every week, because I DID, I just felt like I had to. It was expectation. Horrible, but I cannot deal with anyone else's expectations now but my own. I would feel pressure on my head all the time, at school, sleeping, whatever.

Always, 'should I call him?' 'when am I going to see him next?'

And I never really had time for anyone else because whenever I had time, it would be spent with him. I can't deal with that right now. Our relationship opened a lot of "mind doors" with me. I learned a lot about myself. I come off as very unemotional, I can't explain it, but I would say things or do things that when I think about them further, they were pretty horrid with no respect to him. I don't think about other people's feelings as much as I'd like to say I do. And I hardly even recognize my own.

I deal with extremes, I find it impossible to read myself. I never really know how I feel about anything. I don't like intimacy. Or maybe just not with him. And I'm not talking sex, I'm talking about letting anyone in, period. I just cannot give that much right now, and that's not fair to him.

I really wish I had treated him better. We had a lot of fun and our memories were great but I wish I cherished the moments as they were happening more. Now I will never get them back. I always have some regret about something. I just hope now I can learn to treat those close to me with a ton of respect. Whenever my next relationship comes along, which I don't think will happen for years, I hope I can appreciate them more than I did him.

I really hope we can be friends, but I don't know how possible that will be. Chances are he will be dating a new girl in a month or two, and I will be along struggling as always trying to figure myself out. That will be the hardest, seeing him with someone new when I've barely moved a few feet in my own development.

But, it's happened before and each time I handle it a little bit better. Maybe this time I will be able to handle it just fine!

If not, I will remove myself from the situation as always.

Ho hum.

Self discovery time?

I love being single. I feel so free. My head is completely open, and there is no pressure...

♥

bathroom_ninja @ 2008-10-09T12:04:00

2008-10-09T19:07:09Z

We are THIS close to breaking up.

My relationships are really funny. We talk about breaking up, we DISCUSS it. Like, 'hey, do you think we should break up? Oh well here's why I feel this way...what about you?' I suppose that really is the best way. No smashing windows and slashing tires for me, every ending has some sort of mutual understanding.

The thing is...I will never accept him completely, because there are parts of him I just don't like. They conflict very strongly with my life's passion.

But, I don't know if I am ready to say good bye just yet.

So, fuck.

:\ Feeeeelings, how I hate you.

this week is killing my head

2008-10-09T05:53:14Z

I am having a love/hate relationship with The Boy at the moment. I'm going through a rough patch so to speak, with myself and with him. It isn't going well, I've been crying on and off since friday. I WANT to blame PMS, but I don't know what the hell it is. And since I'm on the rag now, that's really no excuse.

Ignorant people bother me, brainwashed people bother me, judgmental people bother me, *I* bother me [I'm fairly ignorant and judgmental and you could even say brainwashed if you want!] Except I've found love and acceptance in the most random places, places I would never expect.

This has nothing to do with him of course. We've just been butting heads. It's become an issue of my integrity, can I really be with someone who shares none of my core values? But at the same time, if I was single right now, I really have nothing. I have no close friends anymore, at all. For one, because I don't want them, I see now that the friends I've had in the past 3 years or so have hurt me more than they have helped me. I cannot be around people resistant to change, especially when they are resistant to change in me. I have changed a considerable amount, even in the last couple months, and it's irritating being around people who refuse to accept it.

So if I break up, I'm essentially alone. It would be very painful and almost a replica of what happened to me before. But from that pain came my very best change, and through the entire time I managed to somewhat hold on to myself. I have always known who I am, other people just seem not to get it, or misunderstand my actions. No one's at fault, but I cannot explain myself over and over...

And then....oh god, this is going to make me sound like a huge stoner, where will I get my weed? :o

[Now c'mon! We're going to think about what's really important here!]

End emo talk. End sarcasm. I'm feeling like I'm pretty much done with it all.

These are my flaws, oh hay I'm analyzing myself...All painful and bloody so you can watch :]

-I am judgmental, I judge people and create a preconceived notion of who they ARE because of their appearance, I think this is largely due to that fact that I simply have not talked to enough people. That has got to change, I don't want to think like that anymore.

-I do not know how to deal with emotions. With me, it's always an extreme. My first response, as some of you RLers know, was anger. Now, it's passivity. My anger fucked me up, so I became passive, and now I am struggling for a middle-ground, and also a way to accurately express my emotions, that isn't over the top.

-I am immature. I cannot deal with my emotions. Because of this, I have stunted my intellectual and emotional growth and that just sucks. Also, this ruins my homework and my actual job because I can't stop dwelling on stupid things.

Well, those are my main three, I am sure there are many others, but I think that's enough for one night don't you?? I don't want to make myself feel TOO shitty. Jeeeez.

Writing is mah ~therapy~

annoyance

2008-10-01T05:16:39Z

Today I walked into Del Taco for Taco Tuesday, and I see this banner in the middle of the store. The text is something like this 'We support the bold' 'To every '4' that landed a '10.' On the banner there is a stereotypical geek with curly hair and glasses, mouth shut, chin up, with one hand in his jacket pocket and one on a woman's waist. The '10' in question. She is wearing a sequined silver dress not exactly suitable for day time wear, her hair is flowing in true model fashion, and her lips are slightly parted and hips swayed out.

The message is clear. If you are a geek, there is still hope for you to 'land' a ten. After all you are still a man, and she is nothing but a woman, albeit a pretty one. And no matter dating her or wooing her, you are 'landing' her.

In other words, you own a beautiful woman.

Women, you are only valued for your beauty, men, you can judge and rate a woman based on your specific needs. Fantastic.

Sometimes I think I am crazy because these things bug me yet no one else seems to care. But then I know I'm not. I will not be 'landed' and I will not be rated on a scale of one to ten. I hate the way sexism is normal in our society. It makes me never want to go outside again, because when I do, I want to throw acid on people.

I am angry and I feel helpless because there is not much I can do. It fucking sucks.

more lolita x_x;

2008-09-30T05:02:14Z

I impulse bought this skirt from In The Starlight;

w00t compulsive buys... I've been checking right at 5 every friday, because I REALLY want the black scalloped skirt they had a few weeks ago. Please make more :\ I am loving scallops right now, yet I have none! Bummer.

Those Angelic Pretty socks I wanted for a while were re-released. The exact day I bid on a pair for 4000 yen on yahoo japan auctions. Grrr. I'm using Crescent too, so the fees will suck. Eh, I still hope I win them. I'm also bidding on a tote. I don't even want to think about how much they will cost me, but I'm okay with it.

After I win those, and buy a scalloped skirt...I can't spend any more for a while x_x; I'm allowing myself to buy shoes and other winter clothes. But no more impulse buys! Bad Kimmie, bad. Funny enough, I work exactly what I spend. My bank account is oddly constant. Always.

This month is going to be stressful. Here is my calendar so far

Oct 4th - I'll be in Davis, friend's birthday
Oct 5th - Boyfriends dance show!
Oct 11th - Theatre show I helped make the costumes for ^_^
Oct 17th - Friend's party/Early Halloween party
Oct 18th - Possible loli meetup, if not, there's a ren faire this day!
Oct 26th - Goth club!! The only Halloween I need
Oct 31st - Halloween, no idea what I'm doing
+midterms and school work

Lots of stuff. Well, at least I know I wont be bored!

What is everyone else doing for Halloween? :] I kinda want to take my boyfriends niece out...

EDIT: Anybody want shoes from Double Decker? It's taken two months and my shoes till aren't in stock, I'm mad annoyed. If anyone wants anything, I'll see if I can switch my order...it would only be 50 per shoe, not shipping cost. Please let me know I'm frustrated like crazy with them :\

Today is rorita day!

2008-09-23T21:48:19Z

My Anna House stuff came! I got the two black blouses, and bloomers! I love the bloomers I've been wandering around in them all day :D For all 3 items + shipping was $120. Decent price I think. I'm thinking I will be selling the long sleeved blouse though. The sleeves are too roomy...it looks costume-y on me. I much prefer fitted garments. I think I'm going to attempt to make myself a blouse! I have a decent pattern- Simplicity 4077. It looks easy and should be simple to modify...so we'll see how that goes :D I really need to sew. In my costume lab class she's been having me hand-sew mainly...my fingers are beaten haha. I want to work on my patterning! Not my mad hand sewing skillz.

Metamorphose hasn't emailed me back about the swan print skirt. Should I start crying? Throw things? Wallow in despair? Decisions decisions. :o

Shirt and bloomars!

Back :]

Today is also rorita day because I got my finished art commission from nikkouchan

I LOVE IT. It is so damn cute. Yesterday was our 7-month too so it came at a perfect time :] I'm obsessed with it. I can't wait to print it and hang it in my room!

These are the outfits it's based on;

:]

I'm pretty happy today.

I friggin love Flickr! You can search for patterns and see what other people have done with them. Amazing. I love the internet :o

Ciao~ ♥