It sounds sort of depressing but I feel like just now I am learning that I actually have something to offer others.
Before in my life I never bothered extending myself to people because I didn't think I was all that great. I mean what have I done, really? Not much. It takes a certain amount of self-confidence to make friends, and I was forever lacking that. Now however, the fact that people like me is enough. I am still not comfortable extending myself to people, but I'm working on it. And partly The Myth of Male Power helped me, at least in the relationship aspect.
I never realized that initiating something takes guts. After all, there's a pretty good chance you'll be rejected. I was such a cunt about this in high school. I thought if a guy did not come to me directly then he wasn't worth my time. I lacked the empathy to put myself in the man's shoes, the shoes that can possibly face rejection. The book helped with this in the sense that it explained that socially, the man is expected to initiate. The woman however, can do it if she wants. But it's not expected. So now, what kind of gender egalitarian would I be if I didn't initiate?? [I have initiated a few times, but those dudes turned into stalkers, so don't blame me if I'm a little pessimistic about it, hah!]
I'm workin' on it. I need some balls. Or just guts...
This is a slow moving process but every day gets a little bit better.
In other news...I really miss Steven. I had to say it. We haven't been talking, and it WAS fine, but for some reason the past few days have been rough. I miss his smile, his smell, his cocky-ass attitude. Everything. He is such an egotistical little shit but damn I really really liked him. What makes this hard is the fact that I DO like him. We broke up for practical reasons [lack of a concrete future on my part], but I never stopped liking him.
Our one year would have been next week. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this way for some reason. I talked to him almost every day for about two years. But I'm not dumb, I know it would never work out long term, so it was foolish to keep going. *LE SIGH*
Maybe we will be able to be friends in a year. But I don't expect it any time before then. I don't understand how break ups work. *I* want to keep in touch, but I don't know if I should.
This whole thing makes me not want to date people I actually like. Blegh!
Nighttime for me...good night livejournal XD